“Happy to serve”
“Wag niyo ako tarantaduhin, alam kong ‘di kayo masaya.” I mumbled.
I hated that practice. I hate pretending that I’m happy when I’m clearly not. Paano ka ba sasaya sa ganitong klaseng trabaho? Harapin niyo na yung katotohanan na talunan ka sa buhay at wala kang narrating. Happy to serve? Ulol mo, plastik ka please. Even my own brother ridicules the mediocre life that I’m currently living. “Four hundred fifty five pesos! Yan lang sweldo mo? Paano ka nabubuhay?!” Paano nga ba? I always ask that myself. A rough estimation would show that I earn fifty-sex pesos per hour — money that will never compare to a salary of a young doctor. Yes, my brother is a young doctor.
“Angel, ‘di mo pa naman kailangan magtrabaho kung ganyan lang rin kaliit sweldo mo.”
My brother always told me to stop working and to start studying again.
“Di mo naman kasalanan yung nangyari.”
That’s what they say, that’s what they all say.
Hindi ko naman talaga kasalanan pero ‘di ko matanggap na mawawala lahat sa akin ng isang iglap.
The white orbs of light — that’s all I can remember. Twenty years old ako niyan, pero hanggang diyan lang naalala ko. I can still smell the aroma of soap and hand-sanitizer all over the room. I didn’t understand what was happening, but when I tried to move my head, it hurt so badly. After blinking twice and trying to get a full grasp of the situation, I tried to tilt my head and look around. May babaeng lumapit sa akin. Maganda at maamo ang mukha pero medyo mataba at makikita mo ang tanda sa ilalim ng kanyang mga mata at kunot ng kanyang noo. I saw her lips move, but I couldn’t fully grasp what she was saying.
“A-nk, a-n-a, anak.” Anak? I was her daughter? The only phrase I can find myself to utter was, “Sino ka?” I had no idea who the woman was and she calls me her daughter. I was twenty years old and I had post-traumatic amnesia. I couldn’t remember anything or anyone I once knew. Wala akong maalala, kahit lahat ng naaral ko ng ilang taon wala. Puta. They say that my full name is Angelina Dianne Hulme. My mother’s name is Loreta Theresa Hulme and my father’s name is Ignacio Jose Hulme. I also have a brother named Martin Angelo Hulme. Those are the first few things that I’ve been oriented about my old life or my life in general. My mother is a doctor so I suppose knowing that I acquired retrograde amnesia resulting from post-traumatic amnesia must have been devastating for her. Retrograde Amnesia is a condition where a person can’t recall memories prior to the person’s amnesic state. My mother was hopeful at first. Sabi ng nanay ko, hanggang buwan lang ang kayang itagal ng ganoong kundisyon. Sobrang extreme lang kapag hindi na talaga naibalik ang memorya ng tao. Aba puta, extreme pala ako. Magiisang karumaldumal na taon na, wala paring bumabalik sa alaala ko. My father initiated some sort of “rehabilitation” for my condition. He invited my closest friends to tell stories about my memories with them. My friends all praised me — sana hindi sila plastik at kaibigan ko talaga sila. The recurring description about me is that I was kind-hearted and selfless yet ambitious and driven. Gustong-gusto ko raw maging doctor. I didn’t settle for less. All those characteristics that seem to “reflect” me is downright preposterous now — a fruit vendor at SM, bakit? Bakit ba kasi lahat ng pinagaralan ko nakalimutan ko rin? Putangina naman kasi. Dapat nag-aaral na akong maging doctor ngayon! Pero anong ginagawa ko? Nagbabalot ako ng saging tapos tinitimbang ko! How low can I get? Maybe I am ambitious, because I can’t take the fact that I’m limited to being a cashier, a sales clerk, a frozen food’s section handler, and a fruit vendor when I can do so much more in life!
“Miss san po yung gatas ng baby?” A fake smile escaped my lips.
“Sa aisle twenty-one po.”
“Thank you.” She replied.
“Ang lakas mo naman talaga mamlastik!” whispered Jericho. Jericho is one (if not the only one) of my closest acquaintances here in my “new” life at SM. He tries to act close to me despite my awkwardness and hostility towards the other employees.
“Alam kong ayaw mo trabaho mo, pero ang galing mo magkunwaring masaya no babe?” He calls me babe as some sort of endearment but in reality, bading talaga siya. Maitim na nagpapakafuckboy na bading. For some reason, he’s the only person I’m comfortable talking to. Siguro kasi ‘di siya “ugaling skwater” katulad ng iba naming kasamahan. Part-time job niya lang rin kasi ito. Estudyante lang talaga siya.
“Di lang ako yung plastik ditto. Tingin mo ba si Mena na lasenggera masaya sa ginagawa niya dito? Eh si Ato na kating-kati uwian kabit niya mamaya tingin mo gustong andito siya? Subukan mong tanungin si Marielle na may anim na anak pang papakainin kung natutuwa siya sa pagkuha at pagtago ng pera na di niya magagamit para sa sarili niya at sa pamilya niya.” Jericho’s cheerful disposition changed into a sulky one. I think I went too far. I’ve been told that I’ve always had a sharp tongue, but never was I tactless. The frustration of being a failure must be getting to me.
“Para sa taong ayaw na pinagchichismisan siya, ang dami mong alam na chismis sa iba ha.” He exclaimed.
“Eh kung araw-araw ba naman na ginawa ng Diyos yan naririnig mo sa kanila, paano ko di maalala mga chismis na yan?” I replied.
“Imbis na magchismisan kayong dalawa, magtrabaho nga kayo ng maayos.” Exclaimed the trying-to-be-motherly-figure Marielle Delos Santos.
“Opo inay.” Replied Jericho. Kung pwede lang patulan ‘to eh. Akala niya kung sino siya pero puro panganay naman anak niya. The day passed by extremely slow. I can feel the disdain and irritation inside me aggravating as I kept thinking of the “could have beens” and the “what-ifs” of my life. After a gruesome day at work, sa wakas uwian na! I rushed outside SM San Lazaro like a student rushing outside her classroom after her Friday class. I walked towards the tricycle drivers.
“Dos Castillas po, sa may side po papuntang Dangwa. Sa likod nalang po ako sasakay.” I requested.
“Sige iha.” Manong abided. I rode the tricycle around 11:00 P.M. and arrived at my apartment around 11:15 P.M.
“May oras pa siguro.” I thought. Sa totoo lang hindi ko na alam minsan kung ano yung tama o mali sa ginagawa ko sa buhay ko, katulad ng susunod kong gagawin. May kumatok sa pintuan ko pagkatapos ng trenta minutos.
“Akala ko baa yaw mo na?” sabi ni Miguel.
“Kailangan kong sumaya at pinapasaya naman natin isa’t-isa. Mali ba yun?” Sagot ko.
“Alam mo, aaminin ko naman na kahit noong magakaibigan palang tayo, nagugustuhan na kita at syempre naiisip ko ng makipag-sex sa’yo. Pero puta naman Angel, anong ginagawa mo sa buhay mo?”
“Tingin mo ba madali sa akin tanggapin na dapat magiging doctor ako pero naging salesclerk lang ako sa SM?” Ang kapal ng mukha ni Miguel pagalitan ako pero hindi naman raw niya kami pinaglaban noong nililigawan niya ako dati!
“The word is dapat! Eh pwede ka pa naman maging doctor. May degree ka na galing Pharma, UST pa. Mag NMAT ka lang ‘tas entrance exam sa med school. Anong dinadrama mo? Ilang beses ko ng sinabi sa’yo yan. Mag-aaral ka lang naman puta.” Aminado akong tama sinasabi niya pero sobrang hirap magsimula muli. Ang hirap isipin na nasa’yo na yung isang bagay tapos biglang mawawala ng isang iglap. Andun na eh. Consistent honor student. Pharmacy graduate. Pamilya ng doctor. Nakaplano na lahat. Pero bakit kailangan mawala yun lahat ng ganun ganun lang?
“Umalis ka nga! Kung ayaw mo, o ‘di wag!” Sigaw ko.
“’Di naman sa ganun pero nakakagago kasi na makita yung isang babaeng katulad mo na maging ganyan nalang. ‘Di ka naman ganyan kadaling sumuko sa buhay noon.”
“O ‘di yung past-self ko nalang i-sex mo! Ako nalang aalis punyeta.” I ran away. I didn’t care if I was only wearing my white shirt and red female boxers. It’s true — I just wanted to give up. As I was running away from Jericho, I wasn’t able to see that a truck was headed my way.
“BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!”
I can only remember the flashing lights and the hospital bed. The face of my mom… during my debut, the wails of my dad when he found out I had a boyfriend, my salutatorian speech… I remember everything. I remember my fighting spirit; I remember my purity of heart. I remember my faith to the Lord, and I felt sorry that I was such a bitch towards everyone around me in SM.
“HOY MAG-INGAT KA SA PAGTAWID MISS!” The truck driver yelled.
“Tangina, Angel okay ka lang?” shouted Miguel. I was more than okay, I remembered everything.
“Naalala ko na lahat.” I cried. The next day, I greeted everyone in SM with a smile and they were all surprised.
“Ganda ng ngiti beh, parang ang saya mo kagabi ha?” Jericho gave a malicious grin.
“Pwede na beh.” I replied happily. The PA started to play our que and we all knew it was time for our famous jingle. I happily obliged and even went in front of Jericho. I danced my last dance in SM.
Finally, I am truly happy to serve!
