I need help. I really do.
I asked my brother the other day if he knew any psychologist I could consult with. I need to address my mental health problems before I start working.
I want to know how to live in this world without all the monsters that my brain keeps creating in my head.
Mental health is an extremely touchy subject. It’s something so difficult to thresh out because even the existing medical knowledge is still not enough to fully articulate it.
In a nutshell, feeling all these emotions, thinking all these thoughts, experiencing all the waves of passion, sadness, anxiety, fear, along with the external stressors around us — it’s truly suffocating.
But to be fair, and to be honest, I’m so proud of how far I’ve come from what I was before.
When I started experiencing the hormonal episodic breakdowns back in high school, I thought it was normal. I lived through constant depression and anxiety for majority of the month. I didn’t ask for help because I thought asking for help would just contribute to the weakness that I felt whenever I feel all those emotions. I was “strong” enough to resist all the demons inside my head —
— until I wasn’t.
Along with the detriments that law school provided, so many bad things happened in my personal life. I was abused, my friend died, and not to mention having all my romantic relationships end. I didn’t think I’d have to break up with three (3) guys during my law school tenure.
The last one is the one that stings the most because I know that the main reason it didn’t work out was because of my weakness. I wasn’t strong enough to be okay and my ex got overwhelmed by the chaos that my instability provided.
When we talked it out and had our closure, we summarized all our faults and failures during the relationship. We didn’t blame each other. We both had our faults but I just — I still can’t bring to forgive myself.
He kept on saying, “You deserve someone better than me. I was a bad boyfriend to you.” I want to believe him but I knew wasn’t the best girl friend to him as well.
I became suicidal. I had a suicide attempt. I wanted to try again but the only thing that stopped me was the thought of burdening my brother his whole life in consoling our parents after my death.
I started picking up the pieces and found a reason to try and be better — my brother.
As time passed, I started realizing that all of that had to happen for me to have the courage to understand and love myself better.
After losing the ex I loved the most, I finally had space in my heart for myself. I finally had the time and space to understand how to cope through my mental condition properly.
My grades started improving.
I became better in handling other people.
I won more competitions.
I worked out.
I started living.
It’s still difficult to go through each day, especially now because of all the uncertainties that the pandemic provides.
But if I was sinking to the bottom of the river before, right now I’m swimming towards the light — slowly, but surely, and consistently.
It gets easier to breathe each day.
Of course, healing is not linear. There are days that I feel like I’m sinking again (mostly at the peak of my hormonal imbalance). But after years of monthly mental dilapidation, I learned that during these days, the path of least resistance is key. The waves of emotions must be felt and I should ride with the current instead of blaming myself for who I am and how I’m built.
This is who I am and I can’t stop living just because I have to try harder than others to be okay. I accept myself completely and I am enough to live life the way I want to. I have pain built within me but I will not let that pain win.
And this random gibberish is a reminder of how strong I’ve become since those days that I thought the light of day wastes upon me.
Dory was right when she said “Just keep swimming”.
And swim I shall.
